Reply To: Yoweri museveni origins in Rwanda

[Yoweri Museveni]

So the IGP is unbwoggable and beyond reproach in this nation? Gen Jeje put up a good show and I won’t be surprised if he is given a medal at the next public event, Franca Akello was saying on the usually more active members WhatsApp group.

After what looked like a record hour of inactivity on the group, Mwiru sent a picture that took a while to download. It was heavy enough to compete with the notorious gonya in consuming data bundle.
Ecweru: Is this some sextape you sent, Mwiru?

Mwiru: Why would I indulge in sextape?

Lokodo: I’ll alert police in advance just in case this thing downloading is pornographic.
Rwamirama: Eh, Mwiru, what is the reason for sending this picture of Jeje?

Ecweru: So this thing downloading is Jeje’s picture?

Karooro: I smell malice here, why this picture?
Ssemujju: I just like the tint.

Ogenga: At this rate, this 10th Parliament will be the worst in the history of this nation. We have been reduced to discussing how men choose to look?

Franca: Jeje should have been talking about dragging IGP to court and no one would have noticed his looks.

Kania: But Franca, how long will you hold onto that? Sometimes we have to accept defeat and work for the future. It’s only a foolish python hunter who insists on pulling random tails he finds dangling outside a hole. It might be a very poisonous snake when the head emerges.

Kivejinja: Now that is my Kania.
Lokeris: Franca is fishing in a swamp, she will only return with frogs in her basket.
Franca: Isn’t it cardinal upon us to demand respect of the rule of law and our Constitution? Defying a court order is contempt of the presidency.

Mwesigye: Ah, Franca, don’t try to interpret the law your own way.
Kamuntu: Instead of yapping on and on about IGP and how Jeje looks, why don’t honourable members start preparing to invest in rolex since it is going to be the next big thing?

Mbago: Rolex has always been big so I don’t know what you mean.
Kiwanda: We are promoting rolex as a tourist attraction.
Ssemujju: Muhanga must be setting aside a few goats for sale, she might buy the entire rolex business in the country.

Sekindi: Ssemujju, get a life! If you can’t beat her, join her.
Mafabi: Like really, we are stooping lower and lower. Which eunuchs came up with such appalling idea of marking rolex now?
Nsereko: Hahaha! I hear eunuchs, I won’t be surprised if it was Tumwebaze who pitched that idea.

Tumwebaze: Please don’t poke your hand in a beehive. Even if I did, isn’t that something patriotic?

Kiwanda: We have a strategy. With support of the entire nation, we shall make the festival one of the biggest, attracting leaders from Russia to India and back to America

Ssekikubo: Museveni’s ministers at service!
Lumumba: Some respect. Why can’t we believe in our own? This is a national cause.

Kamuntu: In Rwanda, they started a baby gorilla naming ceremony some 10 or so years ago. It is now a big tourism attraction.
Ssemujju: Still I don’t see how anyone in their sound mind should compare rolex to mountain gorillas.

Ssekandi: Someone called government officials eunuchs here. So sickening. Where is Admin to rein in some of these members?

Munyagwa: Here I am at your service. All is well here. What needs to be reined in are things like Mutabazi flying more expensively than Obama and that Kayihura man.

Tumwebaze: I take it that Munyagwa doesn’t even know how much it costs to fly Obama for an hour.

Nsereko: This is diversionary. Let’s get to the bottom of this rolex scandal panning out.

Mwiru: Tomorrow it will dawn on the nation that the entire festival only benefited some suited middle-class yet the essence of such a venture would be for it to benefit the common citizens.

Mafabi: I believe we would do the country much good in tourism revenue if the government promoted Imbalu circumcision as an annual festival than this rolex thing. I mean, what is so special about wrapping chapatti around eggs? Even Ssekandi would effortlessly wrap chapatti around eggs, after all he achieved a lot in the production of that multi-coloured jacket.

Wamakuyu: I agree with my brother. Imbalu is the thing. It is even better that medical science is promoting male circumcision but the uniqueness of how we do it is the mark of a man.
Werikhe: Oh-oh, yee! Leta omwana afanane taata we (bring the boy and we make him look like man).

Kivejinja: These Gishu have successfully carried out a coup on this esteemed group. Circumcision is done everywhere, in Kenya, Namibia, Zulu… but rolex is purely a Ugandan invention.

Wamanga: Ah, elder. This goes without saying that long before Basoga started making rolex, Indians were already doing it. It’s called rolled eggs.

Ssemujju: My prayer is that the usual suspects haven’t already stuffed the entire festival in their bellies so that all the proceeds end in their bank accounts.

Munyagwa: Well, nothing really ever works in this government. Too many leeches around to feed off the masses.
Kasolo: Maybe we hand the entire project to Muhanga of goat entrepreneurship fame so that just one festival season would sell enough rolex to repay all our debts.

Katuntu: It would be nice to hear Onek’s views on this. He has been stellar on Twitter.

Onek: Let me make it clear that I have never had a Twitter handle. Whoever has been twitting under my name is an impersonator. We are going to arrest him.

Ssemujju: This must be true.
Onek: What? You want to challenge me?

Ssemujju: Why would I? Our challenge is Museveni and not people who sweat plasma to deny a Twitter account. But since you talk about ‘twitting’ as opposed to ‘tweeting’ it confirms that your knowledge of social media terminology is limited. I just love the parody account anyway.

Otafiire: Onek, avoid picking fights with these young boys. They will only humiliate you.
Ssekikubo: Now check these ministers who have no common stand presenting to care for one another.
Onek: What do you mean?

Nsereko: Otafiire condemns court boycott and says IGP was wrong only for Jeje to come out shining like a bodybuilder on a rostrum defending everything and calling Kayihura an institution.
Otafiire: I speak for my ministry’s interest and Jeje for his own. If tomorrow Mulyagonja condemns Mutabazi for his travels, does it mean Tumwebaze can’t defend the same just because both were appointed by the President?

Ssemujju: As for Mutabazi, nothing shocks me in a country where goats sell at Shs10 billion. He is being rewarded for blocking social media in February.